The first post in this series on the intersections between polyamorous people and communities with BDSM or kinky people explained the kinds of people who have these relationships, including their personal, social, and community characteristics. The second post focused on kinksters’ and polys’ shared emphasis on negotiation, honesty, and self-knowledge. This post will explore the reasons both communities emphasize consent, why it is especially important in kink communities, and the strategies kink communities use to craft and sustain consent among participants in BDSM scenes and lifestyles.
Ideas around consent have changed over time. From “no means no” in the 1990s, which emphasized stopping when someone said no, consent has evolved to a more affirmative version. Today, consent requires not just the absence of resistance but the active acceptance and welcome of an interaction.
One of the leading organizations that has helped to conceive of, define, and measure both consent and consent violations among kinky folks is the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. NCSF, the advocacy organization for the kink and consensual non-monogamy communities, created their Consent Counts project to decriminalize sexual conduct between consenting adults, including BDSM. Part of that is to educate people about consent, which NCSF and its colleagues at the American Law Institute define as “explicit prior permission.”
Why are poly and kinky folks so concerned with consent? And why is it especially important for kinky folks to be excruciatingly careful about establishing true consent? Not only do most polys and kinksters desire to treat their partners well, but establishing consent can help to ensure emotional and physical safety limits. Failing to adequately establish consent can become a legal issue, especially for kinky people.
Treating People Well
At the most basic level, getting consent prior to any interaction with another person’s bodily or psychic space is a great way to show people respect for their personal boundaries. Consent is important both ethically and practically, not only by treating others well but also by creating a more harmonious social environment in which people feel safe because their boundaries are respected.
Safety
When practiced with sobriety, consent, and skill, kinky sex is fairly safe. I do not mean safe from acute sensations – kinksters often experience intense pain/pleasure – but rather that the only lasting effects are commonly those that kinky people enjoy, such as the parallel marks left on skin by a brisk caning or a shape in the skin left by piercing, scarification, or branding.
Generally, kinksters do not require stitches, experience broken bones, or have any other lasting physical impacts from BDSM activities. When people “play” with kinky interactions beyond their experience or skill level, their partners can get hurt or even (rarely) die. One of the ways to avoid such tragedy is to clearly establish consent prior to engaging in kinky sex. Another way to protect kinky partners is to get education and practice skills with people who know what they are doing.
Legality
Currently, case law in the U.S. has established that kinky acts such as using nipple clamps or dripping hot wax on someone constitute “serious bodily injury.” Among many kinksters, however, these are relatively mild activities. NCSF spokesperson Susan Wright says that “NCSF assisted in creating a legal framework for consent to BDSM activities in the new Model Penal Code on Sexual Assault which was approved by the membership of the American Law Institute on June 7-8, 2021." (See Section 10: Explicit Prior Permission.)
Over the years, NCSF has compiled Best Practices for Consent to Kink, as well as some best practices for consensual nonmonogamy, based on input from its grassroots coalition partners and community-based consent discussions, as well as its own research on consent. These best practices include:
